How to Honor the Past and Embrace the Present During the Holidays When Grieving

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One of the most challenging times to deal with the loss of a loved one is always going to be on special occasions. Holidays and special events lose some of their glimmer because part of the light has been dimmed. Dimmed but not forgotten. So, how can you get through these times graciously and ensure you do not lose sight of what still matters?

Plan Ahead

Holidays and special days can throw you for a loop, especially when you think you just got your footing and can go a day without crying. Your heart beats slightly differently as you look at the calendar, anticipating the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. You wonder how you will make it through the first or another special occasion without your loved one. Well, you pray to God for strength and make plans. It is written, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him” (Psalm 28:7).  If your loved one was responsible for a vital element of the holiday season, such as carving the turkey or putting the tree topper on top of the Christmas tree, assign that duty to someone else to avoid their absence. You can even make it memorable by presenting them with a new monogrammed carving knife in front of the family or the box that holds the topper. This can be a healing moment for the whole family.

Lean On Others

In line with planning, do not hesitate to limit what you can handle emotionally during the holiday season. If you are struggling to get through times like this because of your grief, then it’s okay to lean on those around you. Julie Buxbuam made a powerful statement about how to move forward with celebrating the holidays. She said, “They wrap [holidays] up all neatly with a turkey and clever gifts and lots of eggnog and laugh and laugh, but at the end of the day, there are always people missing from the table. And you must either sit with those empty chairs and laugh, or you can choose not to come to the table at all. I would rather come to the table.”[1]  Look at it this way: those around you also miss a loved one. Therefore, lean on each other as you process the loss of your loved one while still appreciating those who are still here with you. Come to the table. By leaning on others, you’ll understand that you are not alone and can get through it together.

Find A Way to Remember Them

The holidays and special days can be manageable with planning and including family and friends. Abby Stanislaw says, “Finding ways to remember your loved one during the holidays gives everyone permission to acknowledge the loss and provides a way to continue the relationship with the loved one.”[2] You may want to visit their grave, hang a unique decoration with sentimental value, or do something you know they enjoyed in their memory. This step will help you feel more connected to your loved one. You could also donate to their favorite charity.  Electing to remember them lovingly is a way to keep them a part of the special days. It does not mean that you are moving on but moving forward.

Conclusion

The holidays and special days do not have to be avoided. However, if you are unable to face the holidays, listen to what your heart is telling you. Your friends and family should understand and respect your feeling. Also, make new traditions to honor those who are no longer with you. There are ways to show they are not forgotten while cherishing the ones still present.

[1] Shelby Forsythia, Your Grief, Your Way (New York: Penguin Random House, 2020), 179.

[2] Abby Stanislaw, “Five Tips to Cope with Grief During the Holidays,” AllinaHealth, December 20, 2020, accessed November 24, 2023, https://www.allinahealth.org/healthysetgo/care/five-tips-to-cope-with-grief-during-the-holidays.